There appears to be a renewed source of tension in many divorce cases that include child custody and other issues parents must work out for their children. As if divorce isn’t stressful enough for everyone involved, in many of these cases, everyone’s trying to “win”. Part of these strategies include punishing everyone, namely the in-laws, by preventing or severely limiting time spent between grandparents and the minor children.

Because human nature is so ego-driven at times, too many choices and decisions are made based on fear. A wife who has left a marriage for reasons known only to her and her husband can sometimes surf right through an amicable settlement in terms of dividing assets, the home, the membership at the country club and hundreds of other materialistic things, including the miniscule details of who gets the flatware. Just when the husband and wife decide they need to patent and bottle the magic that got them through these energy-depleting actions without committing a felony, such as homicide, as well as the recognition of the material things being, well…material, suddenly find themselves as panicked as the folks on the Titanic were. It gets worse from there.

There are a few across the board statements that can be assumed by this time. First, these are the same two people whose hearts skipped a beat after the first kiss years ago and they’re also the same ones who, when they eloped to Vegas, believed with all they were that this is who they would be growing old and wrinkled with. They’ve struggled through lean financial times, grieved together at the death of a parent, survived medical scares and learned to accept the fact she’s fanatical about no dust being on the baseboards and his near-obsessive attitude towards some football or baseball….hockey - anyway, there’s a team he’s obsessed about. The point is, these two people moved forward in the life they’ve built -complete with little ones. You would think some of this would rise to a conscious level that would prevent them from converting into bitter tunnel-visioned people on a mission to devastate the other. But there it is. And “it” includes the feelings and hurt hearts of their children and their respective parents.

It’s no secret that many wars continue between daughters in law and mothers in law long after the judge declares they are no longer bound together as family. And don’t even get me started on the over-protective father who can’t seem to remember his thirty year old daughter is also a thirty year old adult. The fact is, though, these are all traits related to that phenomena called “parenthood”.

All of this builds up and erupts between these adults, with none ever being completely right, and the babies stuck right in the middle. Why are we OK with allowing these little ones to see their father, when complaining about his mother in law, swearing he’ll kick the old bag’s teeth in if she comes near his kids or overhearing Mom insisting Dad’s mom is a greedy , credit card collecting, gossiping and closet drinker and who will only be allowed to see her grandkids when hell freezes over? Is it that easy to forget this is the same woman who, for a week after her first grandbaby was born, was there to drop off dinner at six, kiss that new life and promptly excuse herself because she understood how important time spent alone between mother and newborn is? Or what about the time she stood up for her daughter in law at the weekly bridge game when an unkind insult was overheard? It’s no different for the men, either. The same man who insisted his son in law is a jackass also happens to be the same jackass who got out of bed at 3 a.m. to run across town when someone tried to break into his in-laws’ home.

Unless there are things happening that are deal breakers in the grandparents’ lives, why are the grandparents the ones who pay a price for a marriage they had no responsibility in keeping together nor breaking up? Each state has its on laws, although many are open for interpretation and are vague at best. The laws should protect the little ones, not the adults. Some of these custody battles we’ve seen? There’s no law that can protect them from themselves or each other.

It’s an amazing sight to see when we approach someone, knowing there has been bad blood, and knowing both parties are tense…and then to see it magically fade away with one simple and sincere and kind comment. It makes no difference if it’s a simple, “Hi. You doing OK?” or if it’s a sincere apology for nothing more than allowing things to get out of hand. Even if there’s no desire to become tight family members again, why can’t it be just sincere enough to mend the hurt feelings so that the kids never feel as though they have to choose loyalties?

After all, if a parent spends all this time dictating who’s in and who’s out when it comes to their kids’ lives, the only thing accomplished is a court taking it out of the parent’s hands and turning it around so that it’s anyone BUT them making the decisions.